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How To NOT Do a Lapdance

February 16, 2015

I was reading a blog post on tumblr today about strip club rules aka how to have a good experience. It can be found here. The bit I want to talk about is the how to get a lap dance section. Point one- this is fucking gold and the truth. Seriously read it, memorize it, act on it and share it with all of your friends. And share it with a few more people just for fun.
Now what I want talk more about has to do with what the author says about lap dances and how if you break the rules the dance is worse. Guess what folks- THIS IS GODS HONEST TRUTH STRAIGHT FROM THE LIPS OF A STRIPPING ANGEL!!!!!

Can this thing become a thing? Can I make it a thing? I want this to be a thing.

Can this thing become a thing? Can I make it a thing? I want this to be a thing.

Seriously. Once you lick where you shouldn’t, put your mouth where you shouldn’t, grab anything your lap dance tanks. I’m no longer thinking about dancing for you or making sure you have a great time. I’m looking to avoid getting creepily assaulted and wondering what back water hell hole raised you and allowed you into the world with a complete lack of manners.
Point in proof. Last night I had two customers who had been in before. I recognized them but nothing but that. They were a woman and a man to clarify. Here’s how the interaction went…
It’s a slow Friday (winter stripping sucks) so I’m on my phone reading quietly by myself and chatting with my bartender. Money sucks but that’s what I get for choosing to take my cloths of when it’s negative 15 outside. She walks up to me looking for her friend. When I tell her I don’t know where he is she looks at me for a minute and says-

“That red lipstick really doesn’t work for you.”

P.S my red lipstick looks fucking awesome!!

P.S my red lipstick looks fucking awesome!!

Umm… ok…. (I feel like I say this a lot about my job) it’s not really her place to say unless she feels like going and buying me brand new lipstick and paying me a shit ton of money to wear it. I say something polite and noncommittal she tells me I can make some cash off her friend.
Fast forward 20 minutes and hey guess what I’m dancing I’m dancing for her friend… yay… fuck no.
So guy starts doing this weird breathing on my ear thing… not the slightly less weird stream of cool air blow but the super weird, hot, slightly damp, thick breathy thing. And then HE LICKS MY EAR! Like full on flat tongue LICK and it was gross!
What the hell??? EWE GROSS STOP NO!
Of course like amateur hour I didn’t have him pay me up front and he asked for three songs and he’s my second customer of the night. So… I kinda need his fucking money and tough it out for the next 1.5 songs. Of course at this point I’m now keeping any part of me the fuck away from his mouth. Because seriously LICKING is DISGUSTING!!!
Moral of this story, licking is gross and doing shit like that wrecks your lap dance and my time. Its assault and gross. We go from both of us having fun to neither of us having fun at all. See the problem? So like I said, read that article, memorize it and all that fun shit.

I also want this. Can I get it?

I also want this. Can I get it?

From → Who Knows What

One Comment
  1. Brian permalink

    Ha! I must have done something right on my one and only trip to a strip club. Got a dance for one song and the young lady and I chatted and gave each other back rubs for 2 more songs. I tried paying her and she just thanked me for being a gentleman.

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