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Reflection of a Relationship

September 16, 2014

I’ve been single for almost a month now. I didn’t write about my breakup while it was happening because I needed time to process it. To feel it privately before I felt ok to share it. The break up with mutual- or as mutual as a break up can be. Luckily I was able to take sometime off, deal with it before the semester started again.

There are things about breakups that they don’t tell you. I haven’t been in many relationships- I don’t see the point in getting into one when it doesn’t have a chance working out in the long run. Therefore my bed partners are change quickly and my romantic partners are few and far between.

What they don’t tell you about a break up is how comfortable you were in your relationship. They don’t tell you about how your body memorizes the space your partner took up in bed next to you. How your brain remembers sounds and smells of your partner. They also don’t tell you about how much space your partner’s things took up. How you organized your lives around each other.

Once they leave- for what ever reason they leave for- your body roles over in bed looking for them only to find empty space and memories. A warmth is missing- you know you didn’t always have it but when you did look how quickly it became normal.

At times something seems missing, a smell, a presence a familiarity even if its been gone for a time- even when you knew it was leaving. You want it and you miss it.

Sometimes I turn to pick up the phone- tell him something before I remember that we’re not together anymore. After we ended things and he left I started to reorganize my room. I didn’t realize how much space he took up. How much space his things took up in my room. Not in a bad way- in the way two people share space together.

This break up is for the better- I know that. He knows that. That is something I’ve never questioned.

That is not to say it’s easy. I miss him. I miss having a partner. I miss coming home to someone at the end of the day. I miss having a partner to lean onto and I miss having a partner lean on me. I miss the familiarity of another person being there.

I was with my boyfriend for a year. By the time we ended things we could communicate without words. A glance told each other how the other felt about a situation. We might not have been suited for forever but during the time we were together we were pretty good. I miss having that.

I know that he wasn’t my last relationship. I’m glad he wasn’t. I’m also glad he was one of them. There are things I miss about him specifically and things I miss about having a partner in general. It’s nice being able to see the difference and work within them.

From → Who Knows What

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