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Double Life- Transparent

September 6, 2014

Sometimes I feel like I’m living a complete double life when the reality is I’m fairly transparent. Most of the people active in my life know that I’m a dancer. Many know that I’ve started practicing paganism. I’m open and honest about my role in the sex work industry and my thoughts and feelings about it. I’m in a position where I can say something about it and I do say lots of things about it.

At the same time I feel like it’s a double life.

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Schools started again. In the mornings I wake up and get ready for class. I’m a fairly conservative dresser most of the time. I dress for comfort and try to toss a bit of fashion into that. I think I’ve even become MORE of a conservative dresser AFTER I started dancing.

Thursday this became very transparent to me. The double yet transparent life I lead. Early in the morning I had a doctors appointment. I dragged myself out of bed and put on a skirt I bought while I lived in Guatemala. It’s one of my favorite skirts- full length heavy enough to be warm in the winter and flow-y enough to be cool in the summer. I paired it with a 3 quarter length scoop neck top. The weather was kind of chilly here. Nothing shocking- nothing revealing. I look like I could have been going to a church service.

After my doctors appointment I took a nap- got back up for classes dressed in the same outfit. In my first class (queer theory) we discussed how the portrait Las Meninas and a modern pop song could relate to the idea of queer theory. What do these things hundreds of years apart have in common and how does that relate to the class. I provided my insights and participated in discussion. The class is only 4 people you can’t avoid participation. After class I caught up with friends and acquaintances before moving on to my last class of the day- delinquency and juvenile justice. Again I participated and gave insights. I don’t brag when I say I’m smart.

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That same day a professor approached me about being student representative to the Women, Gender and Sexuality Department. I told her I’d be thrilled. All in all I was a normal college student doing normal things. Nothing exciting. After I finished my classes I went back to my car, on my front seat sat my bag of cloths for work, thongs, heels the like. On my phone was a text from a regular asking me if I’d be working a specific day. My errands for after school were to run up to the sex store and buy some new thongs for work. All normal things for me.

It really struck me how my normal seems so strange to people. That my very normalcy is what makes me exotic to them. None of my classmates (except for those I consider friends) have any idea that the smart girl next to them in class seduces and entices men by night. I wonder how many of them would look down on me when really I’m not very different.

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